okay. so i was a little afraid that all my blog entries from now until i don't know, july, would be emotionally frustrated and dead-ended, because it seems like whatever my mood has been lately it's always been tainted with a bit of dreariness because - ugh - at the back of my mind i can't stop thinking of internship, internship, internship, and it's just bugging me that i let so many people down. i don't think i've been this sad in a while.

i like to think of myself as a generally happy person, and i am; shifts in how i feel can hinge on the silliest things, but generally beneath it all i am an optimistic, cheerful person who sees life through a pair of rose-tinted glasses or whatever the saying is. so being like this for longer than an hour is kind of strange and unwelcome to me.

but i'm doing better today, especially because for my final photo205 project, i just called the liquor store where i am hoping to go film and got such a warm response from the manager that it just made me smile and remember not everybody are confrontational and cold human beings like people who work at unique tea house 8|. i hate situations that edge me toward the cynical side of life, and the fact that i was surprised by somebody over the phone telling me "sure, come on in! not a problem! any time is fine! if you want to interview me that's cool :)" is kind of sad. i hate that rian affected and flustered my outtake on people so much however briefly, i hate that i'm STILL talking about it when it was probably just an isolated incident, but i hate that i thought somebody was nice and instead he turned out to be an incredible asshole. i want to believe in the good in people! but brandon, owner of western lights liquors, has maybe pushed me back to 'optimistic' instead of 'cynical', and for that i thank him.

god, i'm so weird. anyway, this ramble makes no sense. the point is, i'm feeling good today, i got an incredibly warm reception from the subject of my last photo205 project that caught me off guard, and i just sent off my last internship application to fox news, so..... that's that. it's done, and it's up to God to decide if i'm going to be an intern at a news station this summer, or if i will just be taking anthropology classes at denver university. whatever it may be, cross your fingers for me, both for the outcome and for my internal struggles about what the outcome turns out to be. i don't want to keep dreading this summer anymore. i don't want to get on that homebound plane with a feeling of defeat or failure. i just want to keep looking forward and taking steps to make the best of what i have instead of always looking back. i've punished myself enough, i don't want to be emo for the rest of the summer!!!!!! enough with the introspective ridiculous emotional entries!!!! i just want to blog about something superficial again for once. it'd be nice to have that be the biggest of my worries for a while.

i just need girl talk i guess. i think i'm going to call daren later today. i also want a smoothie..... i will fix that maybe right now.

i don't even mind that getting that footage and interview on friday will be cutting severely into mayfest activities. ha. oh, i've also been sleeping well and a lot and on time; eleven hours last night, ten the night before that, nine the night before that. maybe it's because i've been tiring myself out with all this emotional stress but i've been getting headaches and just don't feel like staying up wasting time. my body's tired out and i am helpign it recuperate. waking up in the morning /not/ feeling like death is great, i must say. i even contemplated waking up earlier than i needed to just because i'd been sleeping for so long. contemplated being the key word :D. so maybe this is also helping to elevate my mood. :)

i don't know how to end this entry. I'M DOING FINE TODAY, i guess is the best way to end it.

mood_ better
music_ c'était salement romantique - coeur de pirate
crave_ strawberry shooter smoothie

Labels: contemplation, emo, figuring things out, friends, internship, life, school