hello~ i've realized i have way too many thoughts in my head to just let them sit there going to waste, but my old blogspots are so cluttered i can't think. so in another completely deluded attempt to start over, here is a brave new beginning. i feel like this post will be entirely too all over the place because i've been thinking about what to say for a really long time. so.

starting with where i am. i've actually been in a constant state of annoyance at myself for the past few weeks and while it's not a dominant feeling and it only comes in bits and pieces, it's there enough that i feel like i should finally just say something about/to it. faced with the imminence of summer internships and bringing my career forward, i've been dreaming a lot about where i'd like to end up, and the hopeful summer-yu-taiwanese-television-host dreams just isn't going to happen with how i've been handling my life. i procrastinate too often, dream too much, do too little. i've been graced with the chips always falling in my favor and things just placing themselves in my lucky reach with very little effort on my part all my life, and the few times i've actually actively tried to pursue what i want, i have found that i can achieve great things. so i just don't know why i'm not out there actually doing that more often, especially since i have such a big target goal in mind. i don't want to be a nobody. i want to make an impression on the world, go out fabulous and be remembered.

if you know me, you'll know that i'm really enamored by this little celebrity known as g-dragon and just yg family in general, and that i like to write and muse about their lives a lot. often times when i'm dreaming up situations for them i think, wow, i'd like to be a part of that. and sometimes when i'm laying in bed afterwards i get a little disillusioned by the fact that i'm fucking writing about somebody else's life, not even necessarily real things about their life, and wishing i was a part of it all, when i should just live mine instead. i don't know why i think i need to be in seoul in the yg building with g-dragon's number programmed into my phone to have a charmed and exciting life. (to give credit where credit is due, g-dragon's life will probably always be 20 times more exciting and fast-paced than mine, but i can't handle all that and i move too slow to keep up with that anyways.)

maybe it's because i've always wanted that, that perfect little house, in the perfect quirky vintage-but-upscale neighborhood, with the stylish wardrobe and beautiful friends and all of it undertoned by the particular faint flowery-citrusy smell that i associate with all my fond childhood memories. and instead, my life has been a ramshackle version of it, suburbia and fights with my sister and identity crises and feeling left out in ninth grade and weird awkward boys and getting my heels stuck in the wet grass. and perhaps the little disappointments i've had with my life (nothing major) and this great divide between being asian and american has stopped me from appreciating what i have for what it is instead of trying to mold it into some life from a cute little indie movie, or out of the pages of my old american girl magazines.

anyways, the point is i dream too much. i've revised the quote "those who can, do. those who can't, teach" into "those who can, live. those who don't know how to, dream." i'm sick of just writing about and musing and dreaming somebody else's maybe's instead of reaching for my own. i want my life to be great, and it can be. and you know what, in and of itself, my life has been amazing. it has been fantastic, with great friends, a supportive family, fun backyard barbeques underneath the stars and sleeping on trampolines and going out for spontaneous mcdonalds at 3 in the morning with your bare legs out the car window and all those other memories i have. i need to stop thinking i need such-and-such cookie-cutter stereotypical experience and just appreciate mine, uniquely for what they are, as they come. and down the road, who knows, maybe that one dream i had in a very cocoon-looking bar where g-dragon came to find summer-the-television-host-in-taiwan will even come true, but i have to stop being so passive about it. i'm not going to stop writing by any means; i think i'd go crazy otherwise. but i would like to find a balance between having an overactive imagination and needing to write things down to satisfy it (read: infatuation with gd, top, and them being perfect together) versus sacrificing much-needed hours of sleep for something of no consequence or reward to me.

i'm not even sure if all this makes sense, but it feels nice for me to get it out. it's about two months late for new years resolutions, but i had none in january, which seems a little sad for the start of a new decade, so let's just make this mine. i want to get back into the habit of living life and being healthy and sleeping enough (i say as i write this at 4:23 in the morning, but it's spring break, so i'll let it go) and being awake to appreciate mornings and not because i've just pulled an all-nighter and being all right with turning off my laptop once in a while. i feel like this will be really hard because syracuse is such a dreary place to me and my laptop is the one outlet i have to my life elsewhere outside of the college town, but maybe it's holding me back, too.

i let opportunities fly by me because i would rather be lazy and comfortable, but i stumbledupon this little list called 45 life lessons you'll never learn in school today and 43 really got to me: no matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. i need to remember this!!!! especially for when i don't feel like dragging myself out of my warm room and ambient lighting to lug around a huge camera and tripod to shoot b-roll for another pho205 assignment.

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on another note, spring break has been nice. a lot of firsts: first time in a bar in denver (st. patricks day), first time getting hit on at a bar (st. patricks day), first time getting frozen yogurt pinkberry style and drowning in deliciousness, first time the inner corner of my right eye (tear duct maybe?) swelled up :(, first time at a hookah bar in denver, first time telling my friends about a boy at college and being a little smug. i've felt girly and confident all week and i don't know if it's the perfume i've been taking that extra five seconds to spray on my wrists or my unusually soft hair or that my feet are blistered from the constant heels or being reunited with my black quilted chanel bag, i just feel excellent every time i step out the door and i like it. denver really is my niche. i like telling people i go to school in new york, but fuck the east coast. denver will forever own my heart (in america, anyway).

i went to korea house with the twins today, and we had a good time bitching at each other about other people. i know it's terrible to say i feel elevated by conversation like that, and i usually don't, but i really liked that trash-talking! maybe it's just that i like emasculating teddy and ivo by the really girly-gossipy-style talk we had or something, haha. i think we also talked about wedding dresses and venues which didn't help their manliness in front of our waitress in the least. afterwards we went back to their house and watched mulan - the one with vicky zhao, not the disney version - and it was fantastic, though terribly grim. i would recommend it but only if you don't want to come out smiling. teddy summed the "moral of the story" up the best: how communistic of them, save the nation by screwing yourself.

today (saturday) is my last day in denver for another six weeks and i would really prefer it if i didn't ever have to go back to syracuse again. i have a lot of stuff to do regarding internships and figuring out MY CREDITS AND GRADUATING (slkdfjasdgasldkfjlska i have so much stress in that area right now, god god god) and i just don't want to deal with it. or the weather. or the town in general. but it's to be dealt with, and like #43 off that life lessons list says, it doesn't matter how i feel. JUST DRESS UP AND SHOW UP, SUMMER. it's just six weeks until i am home, home again. :)

mood_ contemplative
music_ this is the future - owl city
crave_ frozen yogurt :(

edit_ i hate that i'm talking about him so much because it shows how much of a life invader he really has become but i blame it on the stupid mood music in the background (currently, sleep tonight by stars) for me saying: god, g-dragon, i really do love you. i hope you aren't as emo and conflicted as we all write you out to be and that you can always surround yourself with happiness and love. i hope you find somebody to take care of you for the times you don't do it yourself. whether i like him/her or whether i fly into a suppressed jealous rage, i hope you find that one person in your life who will wake up telling you you're beautiful and repeat it again before they close their eyes at night. i hope you'll believe them. i hope you'll let yourself be taken care of, i hope you don't feel like you need to be a martyr all the time and just realize that you are only twenty one years of age. above all: i hope you are happy, right now, at this moment, wherever you may be. because i have never in my life found anyone more deserving.

i sound like such a crazy fan.

Labels: 45 life lessons, contemplation, friends, g-dragon, life