summer yu is a big fucking mess.

as an asian woman driver who often complains - loudly - both about asians and women not being able to operate their cars well, i have this belief (and not just about driving, but in general) that the laws of the world don't apply to me. gravity when i run down the stairs in a pair of stilettos or balance precariously on beams too high up for anybody's liking; failing when i don't show up to chinese class for three consecutive weeks; anger when i flake out on appointments for no good reason at all; and in this case, something bad happening when i take my eyes off the road to fiddle with something so fucking stupid i can't even think about it without wanting to bang my head against the desk until it resembles the now-busted left fender-bumper-headlight of my poor mitsubishi lancer that i love so much.

eric fowler is the name of the guy in the silver pt cruiser i crashed into; i need a boy by iu was playing over my ipod itrack car device; it was about 85 degrees outside and sunny; and three cars honked at me in my um admittedly too-short dress i was dressed in for work as i stared, horrified, at the front end of my car.

i think i said "this never happens to me!!!!!" about seventeen times followed closely by "i'm-sorry"s, and it's a good thing eric was so coolheaded in dealing with me or else i might have legitimately given myself a concussion with all my flailing around. he didn't even make me call the police because he didn't want me to get a ticket, and he calmed me down with stories about how he hit somebody the week prior so the front end of his car is fucked up anyways and he even stayed with me as i proceeded to call both my parents and fall apart.

i want to say "i can't believe this happened", but really, i can. i slip through the cracks of murphy's law far too often and sometimes it's like i have a rabbit's foot or some four-leaf-clover tucked away that i don't know about with how many close-calls i have and just the amount of times i escape from a situation relatively unscathed though i deserve the utmost worst outcome. it's because of this that i believe i am, in a sense, ~charmed~ - an exception to the "inevitable" if you will that so many other people are cautious about. i in fact need situations like these to kick me in the ass and bring me back down to earth to tell me that no, i am not a superhero nor do i have some magic in me to prevent bad things from happening. i need these situations to make me humbler, more alert and awake to the world around me, to make me sympathize with others and motivate me to be better, even if i subside into a sort of forgetful apathy and go back to my old ways as soon as i forget about the aforementioned situations. :|

but despite this logic (and my mother) telling me that this is a good lesson for me to learn, that (as eric said) shit happens and in a few weeks it will just be another obscure bump in the road that i will only remember with a few hazy details and embarrassment, right now, the bump is a fucking wall and i am still stuck behind it trying to figure out how to move on. and yes, it's only been a few hours and it wouldn't be the worst thing for me to punish myself a little more. but the fact of the matter is, we can't afford this right now.

we. cannot. afford it. it was the first thing i thought when i hit eric, the first thing i said to my dad on the phone, the thing i'm still thinking about. i overspent on my credit cards last month and my own money is already negative, tier two overdraft that i owe money to my parents for. we are retiling our entire roof. our air conditioning has problems and is getting fixed. and now, according to abra auto body and glass, the total damage to my car is about $2500 to $3000. fuck. FUCK. FUCK MY LIFE. we are going in tomorrow morning for an estimate of costs with only partial repairs because my car is only worth about $3000 right now so to do the entire repair would be ridiculous................

and now i'm just not having a great day. i went into work at around 5 because it's the right thing to do even though i wanted a day off; my parents have to drive me everywhere for the next however many days until i get my (partially repaired) car back; they have nothing for me to do at work and i feel generally useless, which just is giving me more time to stew in my guilt and paranoia that my producer for some reason doesn't like me anymore? (which is something i don't want to think about. ever.) ; and i just feel excessively unwanted and stupid and i want to go home and take a shower and curl up in bed with tea and an ice pack for my throbbing head and some streaming episode of a mindnumbing sitcom for a few hours.

god i wish i could be somebody else right now. maybe this is why i write fiction (why any of us write fiction) only when i'm, on some level, depressed.

mood_ blank
crave_ normalcy

Labels: anxiety, bad things, car, emo, internship, life