yea. i'm not feelin it today.

i was doing fine - nice hair, found a new favorite movie, some free time, made it to all my classes, bio exam got bumped up to a b, great extra credit assignment i thought up at the last minute, and then professor park and his photojournalism boot-camp way of speaking to you when you screw up something, wow. he really has a way of bringing people down. and it's not the last cut, i can fix it, i will fix it, but it sucks thinking you're good at something and then royally screw it up with one assignment. tied back to the fact that this is the assignment with rian-the-douche and every time i look at my end product i just want to cringe? :/ i don't have time to worry about it right now. i'm seeing what i can redo on thursday. i'll deal with it then.

whenever i get in these moods i start thinking about internships. and black and white how i probably didn't land one this summer. wow, that took me about a week to admit. and it's not so much me getting stuck on it, even though i got stuck on it for a really long time (read, a week to even say it aloud. haven't said it aloud yet.) because i've gotten past it with alternate plans, but i hate the thought of sitting home at summer on one of the most critical years of my college life and just feeling the time passing me by that i should be at a television station somewhere learning things, doing things, moving forward. and yea, my dream of going to taiwan probably ultimately won't even care if i have an internship in denver somewhere, but all this comparison between classmates is getting to me and i just feel like i'm going to be wasting this summer and it's not making me feel very nice. i hate the fact that i'm going to have to tell my parents. what do i tell my mom? she and dad work so hard to make sure i get this education and i can stay in school and don't complain when i blow money on clothes and all this and i just don't even know what i'm going to say at this point. i'm at a loss.

i hate when i get like this. it doesn't last for more than a day - lucky for me my moods disappear with a good sleep - but aggh this is so silly!!!!!!!!!!! i keep scrolling through my phonebook on the verge of calling somebody but i hate feeling vulnerable and i hate showing them this side of me. i don't know what to do.

fuck.

Labels: emo