this basically sums tony and tony-and-summer up in one sentence.

i've been meaning to blog about him for a while, but never really know what to say (and now am choosing a night where i'll be getting five hours of sleep to do it, how wise am i.), so i'll just give it a shot in the dark. tony was all of my firsts, except the first dance (bc he'd rather die than dance).

i met him a little before the year's end my freshman year of high school, around april i think - and i just, i don't know. he was gorgeous, and the typical ~bad boy~ every girl my age wanted at the time. i'd heard he was in a viet gang, and i never found out just what his exact affiliation or devotion to it was bc he didn't like talking about it, but you know, it was enough, with his ear piercing and his tattoos and his pimped out red toyota to attract me. because, you know, every girl wants a bad boy in hopes, i guess, that they could be the ones to "change them" a la shane west in a walk to remember, but i didn't have to change tony. he was an asshole, uncaring, distant, condescending in every way possible and treated his friends like shit - but not to me. he was always very ... i want to say tender, but i hate that word, so let's just go with astoundingly nice ... to me. and i have no idea why.

i was three years younger than him, i'd never dated a boy before, and i was really struggling with my own self-image, as in, i didn't have one. and i will never, ever know the reason why he did some of the things he did for me - why he put up with me calling him fifteen times in the span of ten minutes when he was at work just because i was pmsing, why he let me crawl in his bed with my shoes on and steal all his favorite sweatshirts and return only half, why he let me pluck his cigarettes out of his fingers and throw them away one by one out his car window, why he let me take him for granted half the time and cry at him at five in the morning about some dumb body issue and drag him shopping with me and make him carry all my things. i was a terror, because at the time, i was only fifteen. (cue taylor swift) i guess you could argue he did all that to get in my pants, but no, he didn't. he was always respectful of my boundaries (if sometimes a little teasingly so) and for some reason, let me call the shots on how far to take it. add that to my list of offenses.

to be fair to myself, i didn't stay like that - eventually i grew up, but you know, another thing i don't know is why he stayed with me as i did. after he went off to college and i didn't hear from him for months, he'd sometimes just drop me a text, or leave me a brief voice message or IM, just to call me brat one more time and let me know he was still there. and despite me not caring half as much as i should've at the time, despite me dating other guys in between and getting carried away with new experiences without him in them, he has always managed to stay with me, and this is probably the entire reason why this whole tony-and-summer mess has carried on for the entirety of my love life.

i loved tony. he was the first guy i ever loved, the only guy i can say i have loved up to this point in my life, and i don't know if i'll ever get over him to be honest. first cut is the deepest, and all that. we've drifted out of touch again and i hate it because sometimes i miss feeling the way i did when i was with him. honestly i dont think any other guy has made me feel quite the same, cheesebally as it is to say. i don't know. but i wish him a nice life, and i just want to say thank you, tony, for making a little fifteen year old girl who was always overshadowed by her friends feel loved and needed and special when she felt like a complete no one. thank you for letting me be that lost in front of you and to help me find myself along the way. thank you for always sticking around. i miss you.

- brat

-

sobs okay, i'm definitely going to bed now. i just spent six entire hours studying my ass off for bio tomorrow. i still dont know how the hell i managed to pull off a 98 the last test, if it was a lucky fluke or if i actually did something right for once in the science field! for some reason that, combined with my weirdly above-average quiz scores and ... idk ~worldly experience~ has my labmates thinking i'm some sort of super-genius. seriously. whenever i do something right they always say "well of course summer did it perfectly" and stare at me in awe/affection/fear idk. and yet after six hours and a complete memorization of pinky and the brain's brainstem song, i feel like i still know absolutely nothing about the animal kingdom or nerve synapses or brain function or the endocrine system. sigh.

tomorrow: get official transcripts from registrar's office, letter of internship eligibility from schine, write pho205 script, start editing classmate piece in video suites, look over bio notes one more time, catch up on the news for the week for new345 current events quiz. :(

mood_ drained
music_ 静静的躺在你的衣柜 - cheer chen
crave_ sleep

Labels: boys, love, school